Yesterday, a friend of three decades, a former lover, someone whom I still liked and respected despite very little contact, abruptly unsubscribed from my Substack and blocked me on social media. No explanation given, though I suspect she must belong to the segment of the population that is pro mask, pro lockdown, pro “hygiene fascism” in the words of Italian philosopher Giorgio Agamben. Cutting ties with someone without explanation is common in Twitterverse and Zuckerverse but doing it to a friend, someone you claim to have cherished memories of - that's cowardice.
We have all experienced something similar over the past two years. Most of the time, I am indifferent to it. Nevertheless, if you're a friend, I’d expect you to give me an explanation. I had a falling out with a long time (male) friend last year: a very smart guy, chemical engineer and successful entrepreneur. A few accusations flew back and forth and I ended up telling him he can shove his “science” - the Fauci version - where the sun don't shine. We cut ties but not without hashing it out first.
To the best of my recollection, I have never done the “it's not you, it's me” routine, then cut and run and changed phone numbers, with any of my numerous (oy!) exes. Confront head on, keep it simple, keep it truthful, then wave good-bye. Don't be a coward.
I used to be a coward, too, but over the years I've “retrained” myself. I remember quite a few instances of behavior I'm not proud of. I suffered such overwhelming stage fright when I first started performing professionally, I was a no-show on a couple of gigs. As time went on, performing became second nature to me and now I love it. As Woody Allen says: “Showing up is the toughest part of the gig” (I'm paraphrasing) There have been other instances when I acted stupid, cowardly, ungentlemanly. But as time went on, I was able to face situations head on and have learned the essence of assertiveness. Cutting ties without explaining is the diametrical opposite of assertiveness. People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. They are completely unrelated. “Assertive” is just another word for “honest”. Tell the truth, tell it with a smile if need be. Defend your principle. Defend your integrity. Don't say yes when you mean no. Stand your ground. Don't run away from tough situations or tough words. Don't be a coward. Don't be a wuss
(this is a bit choppy and disjointed, sorry. My excuse: written at 4am, off-the-cuff, on my phone. Have a great weekend all)